Recesses of my Mind

I don’t know how to tell you this but I feel like you’re being shady. you’ve been so weird lately that I don’t even know what to think. I don’t doubt that I’m paranoid, but paranoia is distinctly different from being delusional. I know you kayla, i know how you act and i know that you’ve been weird in exactly the same way that you can tell I’m weird without putting much thought into it. I know how I felt and how I acted in san diego last year and I feel like you’ve acted similarly recently. I just want to be honest and I don’t want to keep things from you because I don’t want to be passive-aggressive; that just feels childish to me. I don’t know what you’re hiding or even if it’s substantial but the only thing i’m certain of is that there are things that you’re not telling me that are causing you to act differently with me. For the past few weeks, I’ve been feeling hella strange during the week because I feel like you go through different phases of talking to me, but you always seem to put me last. you tell me to come over at 2am when you’re done partying and whatever and that’s chill, but it’s also kinda shitty. I don’t know why you don’t invite me to parties or why you don’t want to party with me but it’s strange to be partially excluded from your life-i just don’t know why. if you’d talk to me about it or about how weird it is for you to be at cal while having feelings for me- or whatever the case may be, i’d feel a lot better. I just can’t stand being kept in the dark, it’s really the worst part. Recently, every time we step onto cal’s campus there’s almost a change that I see happening in you. you’re no longer the kayla that hugs me while I drive, you’re suddenly farther away from me and I don’t know why and I hate it. I’d just wish you’d talk to me about it, about whatever. I haven’t been able to figure out why I’ve felt so shitty every time i’ve slept over but it’s because you’re just not attached to me, I just can’t feel the love most of the time. suddenly I’m  every time I leave i-house in the morning, at whatever ridiculous time it is, I just feel like absolute shit because the girl I love is just different- we’re different and I don’t know what the fuck to do. everything seemed great and normal the other night- we were making out for the first time in like 2 weeks? and I finally remembered what it’s like to be intimate with you and it made me think of how we were before-always on top of each other, ready to fuck at any moment because we were absolutely intoxicated by each other. I don’t know where the fuck that went. then we drive back to i-house from ribs and i can almost see the shift happening right before my eyes. you suddenly became less attached and distanced yourself from me and I was like why… and then we were with olli and his mate and you were completely silent, confused about what was going on. you asked me if i’d hold your hand at sarina’s nonexistent party and I said yes but I don’t know if you’d do the same. you closed chat hella fast and i was like woah…that’s weird.. cuz it is! you just randomly put a veil over yourself in recent weeks and i don’t know why you’d hide anything from me because you can literally tell me anything. I really do think that you love me but there’s probably other forces that are making things difficult for you- I know that’s what happened to me at ucsd and maybe being in a new place with lots to do is doing the same to you. and now I feel like I really understand how you felt when i was short with you and wouldn’t call you back when i said I would and wouldn’t call you and was weird with you and now that i feel this way i’m only sorry that i made you feel the same and i’m really sorry, as much as one could be. maybe intuition is wrong but it hasn’t felt like that. i don’t know what else to say but i’m hurting and i almost started another blog so that i could say things but it’d be too much work so w/e. I just love you and really the only thing that i’m asking for is transparency cuz i just want to talk to you and know what’s going on. really nothing else, i’m not trying to make you be with me during the year because i know how hard and stressful it makes things, i just want to not feel like this because i think we’re closer than people that keep secrets. 

i don’t know if ill ever show this to you cuz i don’t want you to think im crazy and be even more weird with me but i just had to say this. 

PPS: i just read over what I wrote and yeah it’s a bit melodramatic and assumes that i know how you feel or that you’re just like me and i don’t really think that or know that but my general sentiments are right. beh, im just sad., 

ppps; i started a blog and feel like a teenage girl

Sep 16